I honestly have no clue how to even begin to explain myself the past 6 months... I just had no motivation or passion for anything. All I did was work and lay around all day watching Netflix. I never really went out and did stuff. No vlogging. No Tweets. No nothing. Ever since my grandpa passed away in April I've been in a severe depression and just feel empty and alone. I've always been an introvert but this was even worse. I can honestly say I don't have any true close friends. I wish I did. There are people I talk to in class and occasionally talk to out of school but I really don't hang out with anyone and it sucks. No one knows how much I actually hate it. I was never an introvert naturally. Being bullied my entire life taught me that this is a cruel unfair judgemental world and I can only trust myself. I have been hurt and had my heart broken too many times to trust people. I've struggled with depression my entire life. Which is pretty damn sad looking back and seeing that that constant sadness I've always felt my entire life is depression. People don't believe me when I say I'm a depressed person. I'm a pretty fucking great actress when it comes to faking a smile and pretending that everything is fine... that I'm fine. But I'm not fine. Everything isn't fine. I feel empty and broken. I feel alone in a crowd. I'm screaming but no one can hear me. I'm dying on the inside and no one has noticed how bad it truly is. I don't talk about my feelings. I can't. I'm an extremely emotional person. Just thinking about something can make me cry for an hour. Saying it out loud... I just can't. I have severe anxiety and my trust issues don't allow me to talk to people. No one even knows how often I really just want to end it all. It's waayyyy too often. Nothing helps. I used to just listen to music and draw which would help. Now nothing helps. I still just lay around watching Netflix but I quit my job so now I never really get out much anymore besides for school. I wish I had someone to hang out with and just chill with. Now with my sister Holly being way out in upper state New York for college I've lost my only close friend. I mean yeah there's Megan but I've always just been closer to Holly. I miss her so much it hurts. I wish I could see her, talk to her, hug her... But I can't. I didn't ever imagine I'd miss her this much. Just sitting her thinking about it is making me cry... No joke. We're so close in age. Her birthday is 11/29/1995 and mine is 11/09/1996. We're the same age for 20 days. Now that my birthday is coming up it sucks. This is the first one I've ever had without her being here. I can't wait for Christmas. She'll be back home and I won't be so alone anymore. I don't know how I'll make it through Thanksgiving though... First one without her or my grandpa. I just don't know how to handle any of this. It all just sucks so much. Life fucking sucks. I need to change that and I'm trying. I just can't seem to fully overcome this darkness. I'm running a never ending race. I can't seem to ever catch a break. I'm never good enough. I'm a disappointment. That's how I truly feel. I feel so alone... I don't want to be alone. I don't like it. I don't know.. I'm gonna try to make videos again and maybe write more on here. I think it might help... Who knows...
-Wren
